Some days i feel like i have so much still to learn. i’m so good at dispensing advice to others, yet i have a hard time following my own advice.
i used to be so good at covering up my feelings. my whole world could be crashing around my feet, yet everyone on the outside would have no idea. They always see the cheerful, happy dawn that i wanted them to see. If i didn’t want to let you in, you were clueless about what might really be going on with me.
Now, i’ve become so transparent to my Master it’s not funny. There can be something going on with me and he is aware of it before i’m ready or willing to acknowledge it. Hell, sometimes i’m not even aware of it. While i know that a slave is supposed to be transparent to her Master, it can still be a maddening experience. Sometimes i don’t want to share but that is no longer an option for me.
The funny thing is that my Master is the reason for my transparency. He’s made me open up and acknowledge, discuss, dissect, work through, and any other action word that applies to all of my feelings. So now, i’m no longer able to hide behind the smiling façade that i used to.
Okay, so i will grudgingly admit that he’s made me a better person, but i’m not going to tell him to his face, it might go to his head. *smiles* There is also that pesky way he has of knowing exactly what i need and when i need it. He sent me the most amazing email today and honestly, it had to do with a company coming out to give a quote on central heating and air. However, what he wrote in that email lifted me up more than i could ever share here.
So, do i want to revert back to my old ways of stuffing things? i can answer that with an unequivocal NO! But dammit if this growth thing isn’t painful sometimes. *smiles*
i used to be so good at covering up my feelings. my whole world could be crashing around my feet, yet everyone on the outside would have no idea. They always see the cheerful, happy dawn that i wanted them to see. If i didn’t want to let you in, you were clueless about what might really be going on with me.
Now, i’ve become so transparent to my Master it’s not funny. There can be something going on with me and he is aware of it before i’m ready or willing to acknowledge it. Hell, sometimes i’m not even aware of it. While i know that a slave is supposed to be transparent to her Master, it can still be a maddening experience. Sometimes i don’t want to share but that is no longer an option for me.
The funny thing is that my Master is the reason for my transparency. He’s made me open up and acknowledge, discuss, dissect, work through, and any other action word that applies to all of my feelings. So now, i’m no longer able to hide behind the smiling façade that i used to.
Okay, so i will grudgingly admit that he’s made me a better person, but i’m not going to tell him to his face, it might go to his head. *smiles* There is also that pesky way he has of knowing exactly what i need and when i need it. He sent me the most amazing email today and honestly, it had to do with a company coming out to give a quote on central heating and air. However, what he wrote in that email lifted me up more than i could ever share here.
So, do i want to revert back to my old ways of stuffing things? i can answer that with an unequivocal NO! But dammit if this growth thing isn’t painful sometimes. *smiles*
3 comments:
How is it that you can put into words things that i have been thinking myself? This post exactly is a prime example my friend. If one could only see how messy Word has become trying to word something that mirrors this one.
And transparency to one's Master is an awesome thing and feeling. And yet, knowing that the rest of the world has no clue is (sometimes) even better.
Transparency is so important for a slave to truly serve her Master.
I am so glad I know you so well, and that you have come so far in expressing your feelings and working through things you are dealing with.
Growth is painful, especially when we are looking at the inside and trying to process your emotions.
I am proud to call you slave.
Master
We're all in agreement growth and transparency are all benificial and yet very painful. Never stop being transparent to your Master, like you ever could **smiles** i think this one of the things equalled with your willingness that has brought you to where you are emotionally today.
Keep up the great work!!! As I have said many time you are both a slave and woman worthy of emulation.
Big Hugs,
kathleen {SG}
Proud to be called doulos to
Jesus Christ and Sir Geoffrey
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