i’m feeling at a loss right now. For the first time in 18 years, i don’t know what to do about Taylor. i’ve always been able to decide if i should take her to the doctor or what tests they should do. However, right now, i’m totally lost.
She coughs all night and runs a high fever. i can bring it down with Ibuprofen, but it just makes her miserable until it comes down. Right now, she looks like she has 2 black eyes, that’s how dark the circles are. She has been on the antibiotics since Friday for her pneumonia, so she should be showing some improvement. It just seems like she is not.
i hate feeling frustrated like this. i don’t like the feeling of being out of control. i know that doesn’t make sense, considering i’m a slave and don’t have control over anything. With Taylor though, i’ve always been decisive. Hell, i’m the one that consented to having her brain cut in half. That was the hardest decision i’ve ever had to make, but i knew it was her only hope. Her father certainly didn’t want to make the decision. i tried to let him in on the process, but he said no, he “couldn’t” make those kinds of decisions. They were too hard.
When she had a stroke after the surgery, he actually had the nerve to say it was my fault for consenting. i wanted to hit him right there in the waiting room of the hospital. Yes, he traveled from PA to the hospital in Georgia for the surgery, but i had been staying in that hospital for the 6 weeks she was hospitalized prior to the surgery for uncontrolled seizures.
Okay, i have gotten way off topic. i’m not sure where all that came from. Maybe i’ve been holding in a lot of resentment for that whole situation. Go figure…me holding in stuff…nah, that would never happen.
i am lucky now though. i know i don’t have to make these decisions about Taylor by myself. i have a Master who has taken on the responsibility of making these kinds of decisions. i know that that just makes me love him more. He is willing to do what Taylor’s “real” father could not. So, while i do have these feelings today, i know that i have someone to lean on…someone who loves Taylor and will help me make the best decisions i can regarding her health. i also know that this is hard on him as well and i need to support him and be there for him just as much as he is for me. Something i am more than willing to do.
i love you Master. Thank you for being there for me and especially for Taylor. You have made our lives so much better.
She coughs all night and runs a high fever. i can bring it down with Ibuprofen, but it just makes her miserable until it comes down. Right now, she looks like she has 2 black eyes, that’s how dark the circles are. She has been on the antibiotics since Friday for her pneumonia, so she should be showing some improvement. It just seems like she is not.
i hate feeling frustrated like this. i don’t like the feeling of being out of control. i know that doesn’t make sense, considering i’m a slave and don’t have control over anything. With Taylor though, i’ve always been decisive. Hell, i’m the one that consented to having her brain cut in half. That was the hardest decision i’ve ever had to make, but i knew it was her only hope. Her father certainly didn’t want to make the decision. i tried to let him in on the process, but he said no, he “couldn’t” make those kinds of decisions. They were too hard.
When she had a stroke after the surgery, he actually had the nerve to say it was my fault for consenting. i wanted to hit him right there in the waiting room of the hospital. Yes, he traveled from PA to the hospital in Georgia for the surgery, but i had been staying in that hospital for the 6 weeks she was hospitalized prior to the surgery for uncontrolled seizures.
Okay, i have gotten way off topic. i’m not sure where all that came from. Maybe i’ve been holding in a lot of resentment for that whole situation. Go figure…me holding in stuff…nah, that would never happen.
i am lucky now though. i know i don’t have to make these decisions about Taylor by myself. i have a Master who has taken on the responsibility of making these kinds of decisions. i know that that just makes me love him more. He is willing to do what Taylor’s “real” father could not. So, while i do have these feelings today, i know that i have someone to lean on…someone who loves Taylor and will help me make the best decisions i can regarding her health. i also know that this is hard on him as well and i need to support him and be there for him just as much as he is for me. Something i am more than willing to do.
i love you Master. Thank you for being there for me and especially for Taylor. You have made our lives so much better.
3 comments:
It makes total sense that you feel out of control..just because we are slaves doesn't make us robots with remote controls or something...which means over certain things we retain control.
The anger that you feel towards Taylors biological father is natural too. If you never worked out those feelings when you were with him then they were probably stuffed and you need to deal with them now...then release them...you have an awesome Master i know is more than willing to help you where He can to get you to work all this old stuff out.
Moving to OR. with Cruel Dark Knight is the best decision you could ever have made for Taylor and yourself....
i also agree you need to support your Master as much as you can. The decisions that He has to make now especially where Taylor is concerned must be amongst the hardest decisions He has ever had to make in His life.
hugs,
kathleen {SG}
Proud to be called doulos to
Jesus Christ and Sir Geoffrey
I completely understand. That is a lot to put on someone's shoulders and not at least share part of the decision process.
Especially the biological father. Well, just look at what a coward he was by leaving because he could not "handle" Taylor. It left you to make all the decisions, raise three girls, one which takes much more time than an non disabled kid.
We will make it through, day by day, one day at a time, to be cliche.
I will not let you take the burden for this. Obviously you will have a big say, and I will listen to everything you have to say, but I will make the best and final decisions.
As you have seen, our daughter has grown and never been better emotionally and never been so happy as she has here with us and at school. She continues to grow, which really seems impossible with her disabilities and medical conditions.
I know with each seziure we are loosing her slowly, and that is the hardest thing.
But what makes it easier, is you are talking to me about it, and we are discussing it. Also the fact that she has no clue what is going on, and even on a bad day, she just smiles and enjoys her little princess life.
What more could we ask for?
your loving
Master
You have one of the purest sweetest heart I have known,talking with you each day and reading your words, I learn so much and it helps me put things in place with in my own life,Your in my thought and prayers as is all of your family, hugs.
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