Taking Deep Breaths

i'm not sure where to even begin writing this entry. Today ranks in the top 10 list of my worst days ever. i know that my Master is very big on telling the truth. There is something i wasn't truthful about but i honestly don't think it's in the same category as lying. i realize that most won't understand that. There are the black & white people and the people who have shades of gray. This is my gray.

i have always maintained that i was never molested or touched in a sexual way as a child. i've been adamant about that forever. That isn't true. i was 11 or 12 when i was fondled by my step-father. i immediately told my mom and it never happened again. It always seemed so very important to me to declare i was never a victim. i have no idea why that is. i'm sure there are reasons and when i find a therapist to see, i'll be sure to ask them. Seeing the therapist was a command from my Master…but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i was talking to B several days ago and we were having a very in-depth conversation. i actually told her what happened to me. She is the first person i have ever told since the night it happened. B told my Master. She wasn't telling tales, she is just very comfortable talking to my Master. Now Master doesn't trust me. i can understand where he is coming from, but i don't think this is the same category as lying about "just stuff".

i am not going to offer excuses as to why i denied abuse. i don't have a clue. i do know that it was extremely important to me. i still won't say i'm a victim. But now i'm left feeling unsure about my relationship with my Master. The stress of having so many people under one roof isn't helpful either. However, there is just one more week of that. i know B is ready to get into her new place. It's really hard to hide things around here when there is never a room without someone in it. There's only one bathroom, so you can't go in there to cry.

B asked if Master and i were splitting up…i guess there was some major negative body language going on between us. i told her what had happened and of course, she started to cry. She felt like it would be her fault if Master and i couldn't work through this. Part of me wants to resign myself that our relationship will never be like it was, so that way, when things don't work out, it won't hurt as bad. Well, that is definitely a lie.

There's nothing i can do about it now…i can't go back 3 years and change things, so i have no choice but to move on. i do know that i would never have been able to tell B about it if it hadn't been for my Master and the way he is. i only hope that he can try and understand things from my perspective and know that it was never about him. This is my issue and one i've never dealt with, but just hid it away and denied it happened.

Obviously, that didn't work out so well for me. i'm sure there will be more entries to follow dealing with this but this is all i can emotionally write right now.